I was surprised, but the more I looked into it, the more I had to accept that it was a reality.

Guys generally have less friends and social connection than women do.

Yeah. Weird huh?

The average American male only has 0.75 people he considers to be close confidants.

0.75? Not sure what that means exactly, but it doesn’t sound good.

Loneliness, I believe, is a very rampant and silent epidemic in the west right now– so it does make sense, as dismall as it sounds.

But I think its a little worse for guys, and that’s why I think breaking up with a girlfriend can actually be more painful for men because of it.

Generally men have less family and social ties to fall back on when they go through a painful break up, and therefore the void and loneliness they feel after seperating from an ex girlfriend is even bigger.

So aside from making it a point to be around more friends, and enlisting a friend to help you vent, here are some of the friends you should spend more time with after a break up.

Friends who didn’t know you as couple

Its very important to be around people who view you as a single guy and don’t have any preconcieved notions about you and your break up.

Unconciously we all fill the roles that others expect of us, and hanging out with friends that don’t see you as someone recovering from a painful seperation or still heartbroken over an exgirlfriend, will help you start acting out that role.

So the idea here is to hanging out with new friends or become closer friends with people who didn’t know you as a couple.

If these means you have to take a break from hanging out with your regular friends for a while, that’s okay. You can shuffle around your social groups for a while, the change will help you in many other ways as well.

When you start hanging out with these friends you’ll notice a few things.

• When you are around them, you’ll really feel what is like to be a happilly single guy
• These friends will be a “safe space” you can retreat to when you want to change things up
• It will be almost impossible to think about your ex or your break up when you’re around them

Positive friends

This is a big one that people often miss out on.

First of all, at least for a while, throw out all the stuff you’ve heard about “misery loving company.”

Sure, it can feel good to wallow some, especially around people who understand what you are going through. You need to do that actually, but it has its limitations.

And it has far more drawbacks that it does benefits.

Find several of your friends or people you know that are naturaly very upbeat and positive. Even if its one of those super super positive types that you mistrust and start hanging out with them.

What happens when you start doing this? Several important things actually.

• You’ll start to become more self concious when you complain about anything
• When you do complain, they won’t give you the renforcement that your negative friends do
• If you complain too  much when you are around them, they’ll stop hanging out with you
• Being around positve upbeat people will force you to start looking at everything from their angle

In short, they will force you to become more like them. Trust me, its a good thing.

Female friends

Having female friends around can really help ease the shock of not having that special girl in your life anymore.

Almost all guys miss the boat on this one.

Mostly because most guys don’t really know how to have female friends or in the emotional fog after a pianful break up they try as hard as they can to replace their ex girlfriend with someone else.

Having girls around, as friends, who really like and respect you for who you are will give you a lot of the validation you previously were only getting from your ex girlfriend.

So make it a point to reconnect with some of the female friendships you let go stale during your last relationship, or to cultivate ones you already have.

• Having girls around who like you will keep your confidence up.
• Being around “feminine” energy will ease the emptiness and pain you are feeling.
• Girls are generally better listeners and will be able to sympathize with you better.
• The more female friends you make, the better chances are that when you are ready to date you’ll have a “sales team” of women who happily introduce to their friends.

In the days or weeks right after breaking up, talking it out with friends sometimes just doesn’t do it justice…

The whole avalanche of emotions, all the inner conflicts and complexities…

Trying to express that to a friend can just seem almost impossible if you aren’t a poet, a writer or someone who just isn’t used to dealing with something as overwhelming as a broken heart…

And sometimes you’re just so exhausted by the whole thing to have the mental horsepower left to try articulate it.

Although talking about your break up with your friends is really important, there is another way to “get it off your chest” so to speak.

I call it “movie therapy.”

The idea here is that you watch well written, well acted movies about guys going through the same thing (or similar) that you are.

When you watch a movie that really speaks to where you are at, especially while you in the thick of things, it connects with at whole different level.

You get that same purging effect that you would get if you talked out with a friend, except that you are watching somebody go through it.

And if it’s a good movie, it will show all of these the little subtleties that you would only understand if you went through something similar yourself.

The trick to this is to find a few of these good movies and make a night out of it.

Spread a few movie nights across a couple of weeks, and keep the movie sitting next to your TV for those weekday or weekend nights that you find yourself alone.

When you have a few of these nights and you really get into these movies you’ll notice a few things.

• As isolating as what you are going through might feel, even some of the most embarrassing situations are very universal.
• Many of us guys really do have trouble getting through painful break ups, despite the sterotype that we’re just supposed to shake this stuff off and move on.
• There are many very profound lessons you can learn by watching how these characters handle their situations.

In the Land of Women:

This movie is great because it really zooms in on a couple of those painful moments that any guy has to go through when a girl leaves him.

Carter, a softcore porn writer, gets dumped by his girlfriend and tries to get over the relationship by retreating to live with his senile grandmother while he tries to finish a novel he’s been working on for years.

Scenes to watch for:

The intro scene when his girlfriend sits him down and breaks up with him is very painful to watch, as she pretty much gets up and walks away right as he is begging her to stay and explain why she’s leaving.

Also about a third way through the movie there is a brilliant scene where Carter has a “love attack” and calls his ex, only to hear her at this party laughing and flirting with other guys and ultimately getting cut off before he could finally say what clearly had been on his mind the last few days.

Takeaways:

Girl’s explanation for things often don’t make any sense.

Don’t ever call your ex when you’re in the middle of a love attack.

High Fidelity:

This movie manages to be painful and entertaining to watch because the main character really embodies the whole neurotic mind-racing-at-turbo-speed trying to make sense of everything feeling you get right after things go bad.

Rob, a record store owner, get dumped by yet another girlfriend and begins to review why all of his previous relationships went bad.

Scenes to watch for:

Many of the character rants into the camera are pretty funny, but favorite is when he is in bed and he can’t get the image of his ex girlfriend having sex with another guy out of his mind.

Takeaways:

Yes, even guys can get pretty neurotic when they’ve just been dumped.

Painful imagry of your ex with another guy is something guys seem to really torture themselves with.

Conversations with Other Women:

This movie is good to watch because although its mostly a conversation between two people, it is done in split screen-and often in the opposite screen there will be scenes from the couples past that shed light on things they are saying to each other now.

A man and a women meet each other at a wedding and at first it seems like they are just flirting with each other, but as it turns out they have a past together that neither of them have moved on from.

Scenes to watch for:

There is great scene where the two of them allude to the time right after they first separated, and in the split screen it shows the man when he was much younger tapping various girls on the shoulder on the street because from behind they look like his ex girlfriend. Brilliant stuff.

Takeaways:

If you’ve had the whole experience of seeing girls that look like your ex girlfriend everywhere you’ll love that scene.

If you’ve fantasized about the idea of having a fresh start with your ex, this movie toys with that idea.

The Break Up

This movie manages to be really funny and also stay true to reality at the same time. I like it particularly because it does not follow the typical Hollywood happy ending formula.

Basically the movie starts with the break up and shows all the different stuff that goes down between the Vince Vaughn’s character and Jeniffer Anistons character. All the drama of still living together while broken up, divvying up the friends and dating others to make each other jealous is all there.

Scenes to watch for:

While the whole movie is pretty good, my favorite scene is when Vince’s last attempt to get her back doesn’t work.

What’s great about this scene is how he handles it.

No crying, no begging…But no holding back either.

In this scene you really see the distinction between being vulnerable and being weak…

After she turns him down, heartbroken and upset, he walks away without losing his composure.

Takeaways:

If you have told your ex girlfriend how you feel and she still didn’t come back to you, its time to walk away.

If you can, watch this movie with a female friend. The two of you will see two different movies, because what is clearly Jennifer’s character being a total psycho, may very well make total sense to her. It’s weird.

Swingers

There is no way I can leave this one out. This movie has been the quintiseential break up movie for guys now for almost a decade, and although its pretty famous for that already, it still has to be mentioned. The way the movie portrays the lingering pain after a break up and shows all the pitfalls and screw ups the main character goes through on the way to finally getting over her.

Mike, a guy who left his girl in New York when he came to LA to be a star. It’s been six months since his girlfriend left him and he’s not doing so good. So, his pal and some other friends try and get him back in the social scene and forget about his 6 year relationship.

Scenes to watch for for.

A brilliant scene is the when Mike (Jon Favreau) and Trent (Vince Vaughn)s bring a couple of girls back to their trailer and Mike pretty much ruins the whole vibe by talking about his ex girlfriend.

Also the scene where Mike finally gets the courage to approach another girl and ends up calling her that same night and screws up the whole thing because he’s still to self conscious and needy.

The ending scene when we see Mike finally choose to not thke the call he had been waiting for so deperatly from his ex girlfriend.

Takeaways:

Being that guy who keeps talking about his ex girlfriend can really bring everyone else around you down.

The void you feel right after a break up and the desperation to fill it ironically screws up your chances of meeting other women.

There will come a point, where you consciously make the decision that you are going to do whatever it takes and resist whatever temptations so you can move on.

So say your girlfriend breaks up with you or she tells you she wants to take a break or see other people…

But she says she just wants to be friends now, even though the two of you are ”officially” broken up.

The two of you talk and decide that you should still keep the connection the two of you have because you don’t want to just “throw away the friendship” the two of you have built up.

It may very well be the case that you two really do have a great friendship. Its possible you were friends for a long time before you tried dating.

Its very possible that you developed a close friendship while you spent so much time together. There are many perfectly good reasons why you should stay friends with your ex girlfriend.

But, if you are still in love with your ex girlfriend, taking a break from any kind of friendship is always a good idea.

But your ex girlfriend may resist this idea, even if she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Here are some of the ”less than straightforward” reasons girl keep guys around:

Girls may want to keep the parts of the relationship that still work for them.

Even after they are no longer attracted to you. Even though they may be actively scanning for other guys, or even have another one in mind.

She might have reasons why she wants to move on, or the reasons she gave you may not make any sense to you… But chances are, unless you’re a total douche, there are probably things about you she isn’t willing to give up.

She may really like the connection you guys have, you may have many of the same mutual friends or you might be the only close friend she has.

If you’ve ever had sex with a girl that clearly wanted more, while you didn’t… But you kept doing it anyway because the sex was great…But you knew somehow you were not being totally honest about the whole thing… Then you know what I am talking about.

But in her case, she wants all the perks and comforts that come from having an intimate connection, while still keeping the possibility of seeing other guys.

Which actually brings be to another point, which is sort of a darker side of this same thing.

Girls often like to keep guys that are in love with them around for validation.

Generally this with less mature girls, but it is very common.

Having a guy around, or several guys around that adore them (also referred to as orbiters) gives them that steady stream of validation that most women crave.

In fact, you easedrop on a group of girls this is what you’ll hear them bragging about… Kind of in the same way that guys will usually brag about getting laid.

Several dating and break up advice books for women (don’t say it…I read these things so you don’t have to) suggest they get a few guys like this around after a bad break up so they feel better about themselves. But they also suggest not to have sex with them.

Interesting huh? I mean really, if I told you right now you should go find a hot girl, just be friends with her so she can adore and NOT have sex with her, you would look at like I was f%$#! crazy.

Hey… I didn’t say this stuff made sense.

Of course, they will never admit it. Generally girls will just pretend they are oblivious to it most of the time because they know somewhere inside of them that its cruel.

The important thing is that you don’t become that guy.

She probably doesn’t want to entirely deal with being alone yet.

Girls generally are pretty terrified of being alone.

Now, in reality I think as humans we are all terrified at some level from being isolated, but women generally are more sensitive to this.

When your ex girlfriend decided to leave you, or take a break or whatever she called it, in her mind she was weighing her dissatisfaction for you against the potentially ominous task of filling up her nights and weekends with other people.

Although she may want to do this, it can be a lot of work. And more importantly it is a lot of change.

And generally, everybody hates change.

Keeping you around, keeping you “on call” so to speak really can ease the brunt of that change.

Only problem is, YOU aren’t any closer to moving on when she starts introducing other guys into her new life.

So what’s really going on here?

When a girl you’re seeing, dating, or in a commited relationship says “let’s be friends” she is already in the process of replacing you.

She may or may not have someone in mind yet.

She may still really like you.

The two of you may even get back together a few times.

But in her mind she will still being thinking about getting out of the relationship and leaving herself available to other guys.

So how do you handle this?

• You walk away first. Don’t settle for “just being friends” with a girl you are still in love with. You will respect yourself for it, and ironically so will she.
• Tell her that you would be happy to be friends, after you take a break for a couple of months and make it clear that this is your decision.
• Don’t leave yourself available to her when she wants you around, and tell her ahead of time not to contact you until YOU are ready to hang out as friends.
• Avoid the temptation to leave doors open so the two of you can still communicate.
• While you are taking the break, do everything in your power to get over her and move on.

Of course, this is easier said than done, because there is that whole thing about the unbearable heartbreak that sets in when she isn’t in your life anymore…

But it is far better than the Chinese water torture of hanging out with your ex girlfriend while she moves on, only to eventually be shut out once she finds another guy.

Here’s what will happen if you walk away first;

• People are generally only indecisive when they have many options. Once you have elimated the option of her just having you around for comfort SHE will be forced to decide whether she really wants to be in a relationship.
• If she doesn’t come back to you, then you’ll know she was very likely already looking for other options and things were very likely to go south anyways. BUT since you did not wait around for her to decide she will have lot more repect for you in the future and it will make it far more likely you’ll be able to be friends.
• Dare I say this, but 3 or 6 months down the line YOU will have more repect for yourself for not being that “orbiter” guy. Trust me on this one, guys almost always feel bad about not quitting while they were ahead.

Of course the big task now is that you have to deal with getting over her in the meantime and somehow resist the temptation to contact her or answer her when she contacts you…

She didn’t return your last few phone calls, or the wall post on Facebook.

She didn’t acknowledge the flowers or gifts you sent her…

She didn’t even respond to the long articulate email that you put so much thought into.

If you’ve tried various things to re-establish contact, or win her affections back and they haven’t worked, it can tempting to KEEP trying.

There is always that lure to try one more time.

As guys, we often will keep trying for something if we really want it.

Going after what we want is part of being a man, and in most areas of our lives this is a good thing. 

But unfortunately in this case, this can really backfire…

Guys will often resort to do more of what they have tried in hopes that it will work.

Dont be that guy...

Instead of a dozen roses, it turns to a dozen dozen roses. Instead of one text message it becomes 20 text messages…

Instead of calling it becomes dropping by her place or her work.

While many guys see these as genuine attempts to show how much they care, it’s easy to forget how most girls will interpret these…

As acts of desperation.

Here is an important reality to keep in mind that most people don’t talk about.

Her definition of “Guy who is being romantic.” and “This guy might start stalking me…” may be VERY different from yours. 

Her idea of where you cross the line into “creepy” territory may be much further up than you think.

But this is the most important thing to remember.

Once you have crossed it in HER mind, even if it’s unfair, there is NO going back.    

That’s why if you have any intention of having any kind of future friendship with this girl, doing LESS is a far better strategy than do more.

Because once you get put into that category, forget her ever getting back together with you… The chances of you ever having a friendship with her in the future will be pretty much shot to hell too.

And Even if she does remember you fondly in some ways, her friends and family will probably be quick to remind her how things got a little wierd there at the end.

Part of it is that people often remember entire relationships by how things are handled at the end.

 Remember some of your previos girlfriends and think about how the context of the whole relationship changed by how the break up was actually handled.

So as tempting as it is to try that one more thing that might make her change her mind, quit while you are ahead.

This may not only save you a lot of embarresment and regret, but it will give the two of you some space so you can potentially rebuild a friendship in the future.

The feeling of being heartbroken can be so overwhelming and profoundly painful that often it’s really hard to even know what (if anything) you can do to feel better.

Of course there’s drinking, televsion, video games, a bowl of wings…

But often these just distract the thoughts, and often when you’re done you are usually right back where you started.

What can you actually do to make you feel better?

It’s so easy to get caught up in all the thoughts racing through your head and forget that your whole body is being affected.

In fact, a huge part of what heartbreak really is the ”fight or flight” reaction your body is having.

Your body really doesn’t know the difference between a real threat and an imagined one, and with all the bad emotions you’re feeling it reacts to it in a very primal and powerful way.

It says ”We must be in danger.”

Its no wonder that part of feeling heartbroken isn’t just that pain in your chest…

It’s this profound edginess, this feeling like you have to do something.

When it really gets bad that’s when you start feeling that urge to call, text, or see your ex… Or see what she is up to on Facebook, look at pictures of her or call and talk to one of your friends about it.

If you’ve made the decision to not call or talk to your ex (congradulations by the way) or you have figured out by know that contacting her while you’re having a ”love attack” usually ends up with you saying something you’ll regret or feel stupid about later, then you need another way to vent that anxiety.

In the past five years research has pretty much solidified the case cardiovascular excercise is the single most powerful antidote to crippling and painful anxiety attacks…

And there is reason to believe this applies to the feeling of being “heartbroken” just as much.

How to do it:

• Do thirty minute of cardio 5 days a week.This can be jogging, running, stairclimbing, eliptical (I mean, if that’s your thing) or any kind of sport that involves sustained cardiovascular excercise.
• Do your cardio in mid-day.Alot of the bad feelings and thoughts that keep bubbling up for most people usually start to build up the most steam by the evening (nights are usually the hardest for people) and if you can break that momentum with an early evening session it will make a big difference.
• Sun and greenery make a huge difference. It’s pretty much proven at this point that the amount of sunlight we’re exposed elevates our energy and our mood (and our ability to sleep at night) and that green parks have a calming effect on people. Take advantage of both of these.
• If you are already a regular exerciser, take it up a notch.Within reason of course… But the idea here is to burn that excess anxiety that has built up, so if you are already used to regular cardio you may have to do some more to get the same effect.

I imagine by know that last thing you want is another person telling you to excercise… And chances are when you feel like hell its the last thing you want to be doing.

But if there is a time in your life that this will help you the most, its now. Not only will it make you feel better instantly right after you do it, but the effects stack up the more you do it.

Here is what will happen when you start to do it on a regular basis.

• The constant build up of tension has a release: Because you are burning all that built up internal tension, cardio is the single most effective emotional reset button. Remember, your body is having a stress reaction, which at its most primitive level is preparing you for action. If you aren’t using that potential energy it can actually become corrosive to your body in the form of stress.
• Your mind becomes clearer and far less muddled: During and right after exercising you are going to get some mental and emotional clarity that you may not have had all day. The amount of time you feel this relief after jogging actually gets longer the more you do it.
• Your brain can naturally balance itself: A growing body of evidence is showing that cardiovascular exercise is as effective at treating depression as Zoloft (the most widely prescribed anti-depression medication). Exercise has been shown to provide much of the stimulation to the brain needed for it to balance all the various chemicals that are most likely to become imbalanced during times of extreme stress. This is especially important for PREVENTION of depression, so if you do this proactively it will make all the difference.
• Promotes growth and adaptability: New research is also showing that cardiovascular exercise also encourages what is called “neurogenesis” which is the creation of new cells in your brain.  You have a lot of change ahead of you as you are going to be replacing many old habits, thoughts and associations. You’re mind needs to be in an optimal state to be able to adapt to these changes.
• Puts you back in control: There is something really interesting that happens when you consciously exercise to speed up your recovery. There may be a lot of things going on with your own mind and emotions that may feel like they are out of your control. Exercising is one of the few ways you can DIRECTLY affect them with your own action and this shifts the sense of control back to you. The confidence you start to feel from this has a snowball effect and gives you the strength to move on faster.