Although you might still be going through the pain of the break up, hanging out with her still FEELS right.

If anything, being around her eases the blow of the separation and it shows that the two of you had a genuine connection.

And besides… Mature and civil people should be able to be friends after being together, right?

In almost a maddening kind of irony, when you are heartbroken the only thing that will really make you feel better…

Is your ex girlfriend.

But here is the real irony. If you ever want to really be friends with your ex girlfriend… You have to get over her FIRST.

And SHE can’t be there while you are doing it.

When you try to be friend right after a break up, especially if you are heartbroken, things almost always become toxic.

I hear this from guys all the time who have tried, and its almost spooky how the same thing happens everytime.

Scenario 1:

The guy ultimately can’t conceal the fact that he is still in love with her and SHE cuts of contact with him because it was just making things too wierd.

Scenario 2 (FAR more rare):

The guy has to cut off contact because it just becomes too hard to be in love with someone who has moved on…

These brave guys realized that being around her was more self-torture than it was being in a friendship.

In BOTH of these cases the relationship gets stressed to the point where they could NOT be friends.

Here’s what will happen if you stay friends with a girl you are still in love with.

SEEING HER BUT NOT HAVING HER WILL START TO BE PAINFUL

When you first broke up and it really occurred to you that you may be losing this girl, there were all these things about her that you realized you would miss.

Her look, her mannerisms, her little ways of talking or laughing.

The way she responds to you or gets something about you that nobody else does.

Maybe things she does and says that only you know and appreciate about her.

When you guys are hanging out, among the talking, the banter, the normal friendship stuff she will inevitably do one of these things that remind you why you liked her in the first place.

You’ll see it, and inevitably you’ll feel that twist in your chest.

But before you have time to enjoy it, it will be promptly replaced by the feeling of loss and frustration that she is no longer yours.

Seeing these things will make it nearly impossible for you to see her as “just a friend”, and it will actually make the heartbreak you are feeling much WORSE.

SHE CAN’T HELP YOU GET OVER HER

When you break up with someone that you are really attracted to, your body goes through a LITERAL chemical withdrawal.

We’re talking AA meetings, rehabilitation… Leonardo DiCaprio in the Basketball Diaries type stuff here.

No joke.

Having her help you feel better and “see you through” the break up is no different than giving a recovering alchoholic a shot every couple of days just to take the edge off.

I really mean that.

Having some kind of contact with her alleviates the powerful edginess that comes with feeling heartbroken.

Only problem is, what happens when you part ways and you are reminded that she is no longer yours?

You feel rejected. Again. Now for the withdrawal.

You’re worse off than you were before. This is a very real event happening to you in your body and mind and it is very much like fueling an addiction.

On a chemical level, as well as an emotional and spiritual sense you can’t feel better about breaking up with her unless you learn to feel better WITHOUT her.

WHETHER YOU ADMIT OR NOT…YOU’LL STILL BE TRYING TO IMPRESS HER

When you are together you are probably going to do or say things to try and show her how things have gotten better for you.

Maybe you’ll try to show her how you are getting your act together, how you’ve changed…How you see things different now that she left you.

You’ll also probably find yourself saying things to impress her in hopes of getting her to realize the mistake she made when she left.

I don’t blame guys for wanting to do this…

There really is something alluring about “redeeming” yourself in the eyes of a girl that you are still in love with.

The only problem is, it’s not how people act around their friends, and this will just add to the weirdness…

YOU WILL FEEL REJECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN

Chances are, even if you are just friends, you’ll probably still want to hang out with her and do things like you used to.

Only problem is that she will be trying to create space for new things in her life.

Soon she will be diverting her time to more time with friends, family, dating…

And yes…OTHER guys.

At some point you’ll ask her to hang out and she will start turning you down.

When it does, since YOU haven’t had the chance to move on and get over her, it will feel like rejection.

Whether you want it to or not, her having plans with other people and passing you up to do other stuff will bother you.

Which brings me to another point…

YOUR’E GOING TO BE HYPER-SENSITIVE TO ANY TALK OF OTHER GUYS

You probably already know what I am talking about here.

You and your ex are talking and she tells you some story that involves a “friend.”

Or a story about how the other night, her and her friends went out and did something.

She might omit the details…

But in the back of your mind you are still going to be wondering if any of those “friends” are guys.

Then you’ll start wondering if she is seeing anyone of them.

Or if any one of those guys are pursueing her…

In the meantime, anytime she starts telling you about other people she is hanging out with, you’ll be wondering…

The more you like this girl the more inevitable this scenario is…

YOU WON’T HAVE SPACE FOR OTHER WOMEN

Of course you might want to date and see other girls.

Flirting, dating, getting laid will still all be fun but in the back of your head somewhere you’ll probably still be thinking about her.

You might even be thinking about how you might be able to make your ex jealous.

If she sees that you’ve moved on and that you are dating other girls, she may very well want you back.

This can work sometimes, I hate to admit, and maybe your ex girlfriend will decide that leaving you was a mistake and come back to you.

But this almost always works on the short term, and if she left you, she’ll probably leave again.

This time after she leaves she most definitely WILL NOT stay friends with you.

YOU WILL BE TEMPTED TO MISINTERPRET HER

Your ex girlfriend will probably say things that seem like she wants to get back with you.

She might say them on accident.

She might really mean them, temporarily.

Your ex may also say things to make you feel better or put you in a better mood if she knows how upset you are.

This is perfectly normal. The only thing is that everytime she does this, it’s going to give you hope.

And damn if it isn’t so tempting to hold onto ANY possibility there might be of things being the way they used to be.

Its so easy to take a few comments and interpret them as meaning she loves you and wants you back and forget about the bigger picture…

She doesn’t feel any of those things enough to BE WITH YOU anymore.

She may still have some feelings, some nostalgia. She may still be conflicted about leaving.

But when you are still friends right after a break up, it can be easy to forget that there was also a list of things building in her mind over the past few weeks, months or years that made her WANT to move on.

EVENTUALLY THE FRIENDSHIP WILL BECOME TOXIC

With all of this going on, what’s going on between you isn’t going to feel like a normal friendship.

You are going to find yourself feeling worse after every interaction.

You’ll feel rejected, angry and confused more often.

You’ll be spending more time replaying conversations in your head, analyzing what she said… Second guessing things that you said or did.

When you are hanging out you’ll be sensoring yourself.

She’ll be pushing your buttons and you’ll play it off or try not to react.

You’ll be rehearsing what you are going to say before you hang out email her, or send her text messages.

Every now and then the “relationship talk” may come up and you will walk away more frustrated that no progress is come from it.

Despite all of that you are still going to be walking around feeling like you haven’t said all the things you need to say…

SHE WILL START TO LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU

If there is anything I have learned over the past few years studying this whole area of dating and relationships…

It’s that girls are far more sensitive to these kind of dynamics.

Your ex girlfriend is going to know that all of this stuff is going on with you.

She may not say anything. She may not even acknowledge it herself.

But she will FEEL you still wanting her approval and trying to impress her.

She will FEEL you reacting to when she pushes your buttons.

She will FEEL you being dependant on what she says or does.

She will FEEL you giving her the power.

She is going to know that you are sticking around because at this point you’ll take anything you can get.

And that you are still trying to get her back into your life, even though you may be pretending not to.

She is going to see that your self-respect and dignity aren’t as important as still trying to be with her.

Your ex may still have great memories of you, still have affection for you and think you’re a great guy…

But she will still lose respect for you because you are willing to do this to yourself.

SHE WILL EVENTUALLY SENSE THE WIERDNESS AND CUT OFF ALL CONTACT

And then this will REALLY mess with your head and ultimately you will be WORSE off than you are now.

She will know that this is causing you more PAIN.

She will cut off contact with you, or at least cut it down dramtically.

The moral of the story here is, if you don’t do it, SHE will.

Eventually.

And when she does you’ll be in a position of weakness, and that will severely hurt your chances of a real friendship in the future.

Guys usually don’t realize how bad things have to be for a girl before she does it herself.

And usually, once things get to that point, that means they have probably gotten way past the point of you two rebuilding anything in the future.