Men come in as many different molds as women. Some are sensitive, thoughtful and attentive lovers. Some are callous, selfish and inattentive. I like to think I’m a balanced blend of the two, leaning perhaps toward the former. My past, though, was a different story.

I met Suzanne in high school. We were almost stereotypical students, she the shy, insecure girl, me the arrogant, confident athlete. We were actually good together. We spent a lot of our time laughing, which is usually an indicator of a good relationship. Maybe if we’d met later in life or if we hadn’t dated each other exclusively so young, things would have turned out better.

Secure in my relationship with Suzanne, I didn’t believe I could actually do anything that would hurt her. After all, if she didn’t know, it didn’t matter. Over the six years we were together, I fooled around with some other girls. It wasn’t a regular occurrence, but as someone once commented, it only takes one kiss to be unfaithful.

The beginning of the end was when Suzanne found out about my infidelities. She was surprised and truly heartbroken by what I had done. I hadn’t treated her as well overall as I should have. Because of that, Suzie had distanced herself a bit from me, but not enough to be unscathed by the cheating. When I realized what I had done to her, it hit me in the chest like a truck.

Of course when she left and it really settled in that  I was getting dumped because I screwed up thats when I felt horrible. I couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving me because I’d been so monstrous to her. I begged and cajoled and finally convinced her to give me another chance. I had no idea it was too late. During our brief time ‘back together,’ Suzie went out with other guys. Any feelings of love or commitment she had for me had been ground to dust by the way I had treated her.

The final breakup came and when the heartbreak settled in it was more than I could bear. I sat in my apartment and wished I would cease to exist. I was forced to face the person I was and I didn’t like him very well, which made spending all that time alone unbearable and getting over the broken heart seemed impossible.

While I was starting to get over the break up I spent a lot of time berating myself and wondering how Suzie had tolerated me all those years. I had no answer to that question. I only knew that I would no longer be that guy. The new me had arrived.

Jess, 39 – engineer

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