Getting Over Your Ex Girlfriend, Dealing With Heartbreak, & Letting Go of Your Old Relationship

It was the summer after my sophomore year of college, and I was working a full-time job as a guy sitting in front of a screen in a windowless room taking some numbers from some documents and typing them in next to some other numbers in some other documents.

It wasn’t quite as interesting or stimulating as that description makes it sound. I had been with the girl in question for approaching two years, she was my great love that most people seem to discover early on in college. I had recently returned from a visit to the place where she was employed for the summer, a journey involving my taking a car to a plane to a bus to a taxi to a boat, all for the sake of a two day stay during which I felt like an unwelcome intruder. A week and a half later, across a grainy phone connection, early one saturday afternoon, the hammer dropped.

My initial response to her breaking up with me was much the same measured, calm reaction that you would expect from any rational, civilized being: I threw the phone down on my bed and punched a hole in my wall. Big one, too; it needed significant plaster work once I got around to caring some days later.

I then took a walk around the block on pavement that had been sitting under direct sunlight on a hundred degree day, barefoot. This is how I tend to deal with a lot of sad things, whether dealing with breaking up or with other events: by turning grief and depression into anger.

Sadness just sits on top of you like a beanbag chair full of concrete. Anger is an outgoing force, and you can use it to destroy things. And I did. Many, many things.

My dealing with the breakup took many such angry forms. A wooded trail near my house had been littered with trees and branches from a massive wind storm to the point that it was untraversable. I ran it as an obstacle course.

I went into such woods often to find any and all breakable objects and help them fulfill that potential. I wanted music that was as angry as I was, so I started listening to a new band. Starts with S and rhymes with ‘player.’ I think you understand me.

So mostly i dealt with the breaking up by breaking things… As destructive and expensive as it was, it definately made me feel better at the time.

Gavin  31, Engineer

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When Belinda moved in, it was the beginning of the end for us. Granted, we had been seeing each other for over a year, and quite often spent the night in each other’s beds, but something about cohabitation triggered the breakdown of our relationship. In retrospect, all of my actions proved unwise in my attempt to get over my ex girlfriend.

I could say there was a myriad of reasons behind our breaking up, but that wouldn’t really be true. Honestly, the sex just became terrible. When Belinda moved in, a certain complacency set it, and she seemed to treat me more like a roommate than a boyfriend. Most of my attempts at intimacy were brushed off, and when she did succumb to my advances, it seemed forced and she seemed uninterested. When I finally confronted her with this harsh reality, a sad fight/discussion ensued, with tears flowing from both of us.

Belinda told me she just didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore, and I had to admit I felt the same way. We still had an emotional connection and a friendship, but it was clear the romantic aspect of our relationship was over. However, most problematically, she now lived in my house and didn’t really have anywhere else to go.

Belinda had a home-based web business, but work had slackened over recent months. She also wanted to buy her own house, and continuing to live with me would be a good way for her to save money.

In the spirit of continual friendship, I agreed to let her stay, which was definitely a mistake when trying to survive a break up. Our relationship became increasingly tenuous, and although I never wanted to get her back, there were moments when I was tempted to crawl back in bed next that familiar body.

The worst part after the break up came when I attempted to start dating other people. In conversations, Belinda assured me that I was free to see whomever I wanted, but that attitude did not go over in practice.

When I finally met a woman I really liked, Belinda threw constant little passive-aggressive fits, and my possible new love was eventually scared away by all the drama. At that point, I had to get over the broken heart by loosing the new girl while still having to deal with the juvenile behavior of my ex girlfriend. Finally, after a year of this, Belinda closed on her house and got out of my hair, but I can’t really say we are friends any more. Sadly, the other girl never came back.

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Ever just wanted the world to go away and leave you alone? Ever felt like crawling into a hole and pulling in the dirt behind you?

That’s what I felt like during the whole process of getting over my ex girlfriend. Now I’m a guy’s guy, I would say: I like Clint Eastwood movies and beer. So those two things alone pretty much seal the deal as far as manliness is concerned. Let’s be clear…I’m no wuss. But I fell, and fell hard for this red haired she-devil.

And let there be no doubt, she was a devil. The sex was fantastic. Her body was fantastic. Her temper was…not so fantastic. It was argument after argument after argument. But then there was sex, sex, and more sex. Which was great, but I rapidly learned that even the best sex can’t atone for her calling you a bastard (or worse) every time little Miss Perfection didn’t approve.

I never knew getting over an ex would be such a long, tortuous journey. I experienced things I never thought I would experience.  I lived dangerously, drove faster than ever, and drank much more heavily. Just to get over her… and get her out of my blood and numb my brain until I couldn’t even see her in my mental haze.

But getting over her was the most surprising thing I ever experienced. I listened to the singing of Cher, among other things. That alone is enough to drive any self respecting man insane.

This lasted for the better part of two months. We would drift apart and then the urge would hit and I’d go to her like a moth to the flame. And we would fight and I’d feel terrible for a week. But slowly, I got better at the recovery. I didn’t need so much beer. I didn’t need to get that thrill of speed to forget her. And most of all, I didn’t need to listen to Cher anymore. She just depressed the heck out of me.

And in the end getting over my ex girlfriend was a lesson in self endurance and self preservation. It was long and painful, but I did learn a lot about myself and what it means to be in relationship. Don’t let anyone fool you. Being in love is an addiction, because breaking up and then trying to get her back is an experience that is best described as detox. Pure and simple.

Steve Edwards, 39, IT analyst

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As I pushed the “delete” button on my cell phone and watched her contact information disappear into thin air, I realized that what I was doing was the modern equivalent of burning my diary or breaking that heart-framed picture on the nightstand. Somehow, simply pressing a button didn’t feel as satisfying. I was still in the first stages of a break-up, before anger and then heartbreak took their turns. I just felt numb.

There were no excuses this time to allow me to piece together the crumbling remains of my ego or self-righteous anger. She hadn’t cheated on me; she hadn’t fallen in love with some old high-school friend or met someone new. I hadn’t done anything in particular to merit her breaking up with me. The words that had left me speechless were the six most-dreaded in the romantic canon…

“I just don’t love you anymore.”

The heartbreaking lines had been saved for the time when they would have their maximum effect. She had been in New York on business, and I had planned on coming up on the weekend, after her presentation was over, to spend a little time with her there enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. We skated in Central Park, attended a Broadway production, and were strolling down a park lane on a crisp night in late autumn. I pulled her close, and she resisted a little. Surprised, I pulled away and looked at her face. It was ashen, guilty.

“Cole, I have something to tell you. I feel really bad about waiting until now, the night’s so perfect, but I was afraid you were going to propose to me or something so I thought I’d just tell you now…”

Had my hand not been in my right coat pocket, it would have dropped the diamond ring in its case. The night, the setting, the ring, those six little words; the perfect symphony of relationship heartbreak.

About 5 days and 5 bottles of whiskey later, the heartbreak hadn’t subsided, so I decided to lay off the whiskey and go for a walk. Fresh air always gave me a little perspective. The daily walks continued, and my perspective grew.

“Better to have found out before the proposal than 5 years into a pathetic marriage”. It wasn’t Shakespeare, but the thought was something to start with, a “delete” button on a bad break up.

L. Hudd, 29 - Writer

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I will probably never truly get over my ex-girlfriend because I know now she’s the “one who got away.” I failed because I didn’t try, even when I thought I was. I was disrespectful, unfaithful and unappreciative. It’s only now, with years of perspective behind me, that I truly understand just how much I flopped at being a man. This is the story of my how I learned to survive a break up even when I wanted to get her back.

We met in college through mutual friends, ending up together because my roommates were dating her roommates. I think it turned to love faster than I expected and after the honeymoon phase wore off, I was scared by how much I loved her. I wanted to be cool and macho, and deny that I needed anyone to hold me up when I was down. But I did, and I needed her. By this time I was completely overwhelmed with depression, which was not related to our relationship, but was its ultimate end.

My depression affected my actions, what I never said and what I denied I felt. She was so good to me and I did everything I could to push her away. Our relationship was cyclical, depending on my moods. Sometimes we were together for days on end; other times I would camp out at my house and dodge her phone calls, which was easy to do in the days before cell phones. After a particularly rough point in the third year of our tumultuous relationship, I cheated on her. She found out about the other woman after we’d gotten back together again, but her knowledge of my behavior was the last straw for her. She left me for good. And I was left to learn how to get over a broken heart.

Shortly after learning my girlfriend was really breaking up with me, I sought professional help, where I dealt with my depression and finally came to terms with the fact that I’d lost my soul mate and would never get her back.

Being able to put this all into words gives it life and reality that never existed back then. A lot has happened in both of our lives over the last twelve years, but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of excitement when I learned that she was recently divorced. I think that means I may never get over my ex-girlfriend.

Paul Douglas 34 -  Journalist

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I remember it like it was yesterday. I thought Sarah and I were in it for good. I loved her very much. I had introduced her to my family and my friends adored her. But then, all of a sudden she ended it. According to her, we were not spending enough time together. Apparently, we were always hanging out with friends in a group and were never doing anything together as a couple. I did the initial begging and groveling at her feet, after which she literally threw me out of her place.

So there I was, lovesick, frustrated and quite at lost. I drowned my sorrow in drinks and the comfort of the very friends for whom apparently Sarah broke up with me. They bought me countless rounds of drinks, took me to the newest clubs in town and never mentioned my “ex”.

I was having a tough time referring to Sarah as my “ex girlfriend”. But I knew I had to get used to it…

I knew the drill for I had helped a few of my buddies get over their broken hearts. I knew I would forget her and everything would work out fine. I would meet someone, fall in love and life would be hunky dory again.

But it wasn’t easy to get over my ex girlfriend. Any brunette like my ex would have me longing to get her back. At pubs, any woman ordering a Cosmopolitan would remind me of her. I would relive the way she turned the olive in her drink, left it soaking before chewing on it slowly with relish. If someone put 60s or 70s music on the jukebox, I would be taken back to the evenings when we would have take-out Chinese at home and listen to endless replays of The Beatles and Dylan.

Each time this happened, I would try to snap back out of it and tell myself repeatedly to forget her. Each time my fingers itched to dial her number, just to listen to her voicemail message, I would tell myself to call my mother instead! And trust me, my mother was surprised for she had no idea why I was calling her so many times a week.

Therapy did not work, neither did blind dates set up by friends. Days rolled into months before I realized that it had been almost half a year since breaking up with Sara. And one day, I snapped. While I realized it was hard to survive a break up, I decided to talk to myself once and for all. That did the trick. Every time afterwards, I went over the breakup in my mind, I forced myself to try to look ahead.

Gradually, I opened up more to my friends’ efforts and starting going out with new people. I can now listen to The Rolling Stones without breaking down in tears. I can have a sane conversation with any Cosmo-guzzling date. The only person not so happy is my mother. For now that I am back on track in my life, she does not get so many calls from me anymore!

Joseph Flint,  25, computer programmer

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“Hey, can we go someplace private? We need to talk.”

If my girlfriend told me something like that today, I’d know what was coming. I’d be able to mentally prepare myself for getting dumped a few minutes ahead of schedule. Because those words can only mean one thing: she wants to break up with me.

At the time, though, I wasn’t a wise as I am now. I was just a freshman in college, enjoying my first serious relationship. Ah, so she wants to talk? Great! This’ll be fun. I love talking to her.

Do I need to dwell on the details? We’ve all heard it. It wasn’t me, it was her. We had some great times and she knew I would find somebody new who could give me what I was looking for, and she really, really hoped we could still be friends. She didn’t understand, any more than I did, that getting over a broken heart isn’t easy.

I didn’t quite process all this as it happened. Again, I was young and little naive. Today I can at least see the warning signs that the end is near. But then, it seemed to come out of nowhere. She might as well have told me she was alien and was leaving because she had to report back to her home planet. It sounds a little clichéd, but the feeling was exactly like being punched in the gut. I know it’s called heartbreak or heartache but isn’t really the gut that feels the worst of it? But the pit of my stomach was crying out in pain. How could I get over a broken heart if I couldn’t even get over a broken gut?

This happened twenty minutes before I had to go take a final for one of my classes. The girl wasn’t cruel, by the way. She misheard something I’d said earlier, and thought I was meeting her on the way from the test. When she realized her mistake, she was mortified. But in fact, maybe it was for the best. Thanks to the final, I had something to take my mind off the pain.

It reminded me there were other things in life, and that helped in getting over the heartbreak. It took some getting used to being single again, but soon enough I was back on my feet.

- Chris, 26, Graduate Student

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To people who have never had one, relationships are like the movies, perfection in every moment of the day. For some people, this may be the case, but I was never that lucky. My relationship, as perfect as I thought it was, didn’t last. At first, I was blinded by her beauty. Every inch of her body, her face, the way she moved invited me in. I finally got up the nerve to ask her to dinner and I was surprised to receive a yes for an answer.

After a few months, I thought it was love. I loved everything about her and it made me happy to see her happy. About the time we hit the seven month mark in our relationship, I accepted a new job helping one of my old friends, as a landscaper. This required more hours away from the house and we even traveled to other nearby cities to do work. The time away caused fighting and we slowly started to drift apart.

One day, I woke up to a note on the pillow next to me. It said, “I love you but I cannot put myself though this any longer” and she was gone.

The sudden nature of the break up and pain of the broken heart devastated me. I felt empty, the silence in the spaces around me that my ex girlfriend used to fill was like a booming noise in my ears.

I knew I had to try to get her back. I tried calling her and she never answered. She was never home when I tried to visit her at home. Eventually I told myself I had to move on and as hard as it was to get over a broken heart, I kept trying.

The months after the break up were hard but I slowly started to move on. I found small things in my everyday routine that made more sense and I focused on them to keep me motivated. I found fun in my boring routine and once again I liked waking up in the morning.

Although breaking up was hard, I found that by accepting the separation and finding new ways to heal the hurt I was feeling inside, it was much easier to survive the break up. I finally realized that I was getting over my ex girlfriend and I was okay with it.

Josh Ranguel - 28, Landscaping Business Owner

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When it came to surviving a break up, no one had it worse than me. I had dated a girl in college and it seemed like the right one — her name was Alison. Alison actually worked up the courage to talk to me, and we hit it off nicely. Alison though was more interested in getting a warm body to be married to than anything else.

Instead of just a steady relationship that might develop into something more, Alison wanted to skip all that and go directly down the aisle. Well, that left me feeling like a rat in a cage, and even after I tried to end the relationship four months later, I couldn’t do it. She actually came down and told me that if it was not going to work out, she would be the one to decide it.

Two months later, I had to do the breaking up when I found out from her friend Trish that she had been dating my only other male friend at the time, Jim, for nearly 3 months and started sleeping with him just two days after going out with him. Trish was a true friend and helped me get over the broken heart in a hurry with funny lines like since they were both terminally obese, how the baby would weigh about 30 pounds, or that she was glad I was out of the relationship because I didn’t look good in black and white stripes.

Over the next several weeks, this brand of humor kept me sane as I was getting over my ex-girlfriend but the last laugh came about four months after the breakup. My friend was still living at home with his mom and his mother bluntly put her foot down and told Jim that if he married Alison, he was going to be on his own. Fearing that he was actually going to have to work for a living, he ended up breaking it off with her. Her initial plot was to go out with him so that I would attempt to get her back, but since this friend of mine was nothing but a nuisance and my relationship had more problems than it was worth, I simply cut ties to both of them.

In the weeks and months that followed, I missed having someone in my life but my friends helped me get over it with a few beers, some dancers and making other connections to wonderful people.

Scott, 37- Accountant

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