Perhaps the worst breakup I ever had the misfortune to go through was in the summer between my junior and senior years at college. My girlfriend was a year older than I was and had already graduated and lived five states away, which put some stress on the relationship. But we were still together, really more out of sheer obstinance and the safety that comes from a boring daily ritual — the telephone call. It would typically resemble something like this:

Me: So how was your day?

Her: Fine. How was yours?

Me: OK.

Her: Well, I have to get ready for dinner. Bye.

Well, I was studying to be an archaeologist at the time, and this summer was going to get my feet wet on my first expedition. So I signed onto a dig on one of the Greek islands. The town I was staying in didn’t have internet. Heck, it barely had a payphone. When you think of one-horse towns from spaghetti Westerns, upgrade the scenery to the mid 1980s and you’d have a good picture of the place. Needless to say, with the technological gap and the time difference, the daily phone calls went away.

To be honest, there was also this girl I met… Well, there might have been three girls. One of them even needed help on how to get over her ex girlfriend. Sometimes it’s nice to work in a profession where women get daily exercise digging in the dirt, thereby ensuring a relatively low fatty-to-hot girl ratio. In America, we’ve become so used to the obesity epidemic that we forget how large of a percentage of the female population is attractve when you only have to subtract out the fuglies. And even the fuglies have their moments when they’re pouring you that 22nd shot of raki, which is Greek moonshine that’s usually made in a sink or a toilet bowl, judging by the taste. But I digress.

Breaking up was definitely in my future. After a couple months and three girls, I go back home to talk to my girlfriend. I was still young and naive, so I figured I’d tell her the whole sordid story and break up with her. That’s what happens when you have a conscience that’s weak enough to let you do what you want, but strong enough to make you feel guilty about it later.

Unfortunately, she broke up with me first. She’d cheated on me while I was gone — several times. Even though I had done the same thing, I was devastated.

I suddenly didn’t know how I’d get over a broken heart. I spent the next year trying to simultaneously get her back and get over a broken heart. I’ll spare you the nasty details, but I was unsuccessful on the first count, but did discover one of life’s great truths. I was able to get over my ex girlfriend by getting under someone else. That’s the best way to survive a break up. And as a word of parting advice, based upon my experience, Swedish girls are better in the sack, but Norwegians are better cuddlers.

Pyrrhus, 25, archaeologist

It was the summer after my sophomore year of college, and I was working a full-time job as a guy sitting in front of a screen in a windowless room taking some numbers from some documents and typing them in next to some other numbers in some other documents.

It wasn’t quite as interesting or stimulating as that description makes it sound. I had been with the girl in question for approaching two years, she was my great love that most people seem to discover early on in college. I had recently returned from a visit to the place where she was employed for the summer, a journey involving my taking a car to a plane to a bus to a taxi to a boat, all for the sake of a two day stay during which I felt like an unwelcome intruder. A week and a half later, across a grainy phone connection, early one saturday afternoon, the hammer dropped.

My initial response to her breaking up with me was much the same measured, calm reaction that you would expect from any rational, civilized being: I threw the phone down on my bed and punched a hole in my wall. Big one, too; it needed significant plaster work once I got around to caring some days later.

I then took a walk around the block on pavement that had been sitting under direct sunlight on a hundred degree day, barefoot. This is how I tend to deal with a lot of sad things, whether dealing with breaking up or with other events: by turning grief and depression into anger.

Sadness just sits on top of you like a beanbag chair full of concrete. Anger is an outgoing force, and you can use it to destroy things. And I did. Many, many things.

My dealing with the breakup took many such angry forms. A wooded trail near my house had been littered with trees and branches from a massive wind storm to the point that it was untraversable. I ran it as an obstacle course.

I went into such woods often to find any and all breakable objects and help them fulfill that potential. I wanted music that was as angry as I was, so I started listening to a new band. Starts with S and rhymes with ‘player.’ I think you understand me.

So mostly i dealt with the breaking up by breaking things… As destructive and expensive as it was, it definately made me feel better at the time.

Gavin  31, Engineer

My ex-girlfriend and I had met in college. Call me a late bloomer, but she was my first love. We did everything together and would visit each other when school was out. She was a senior by the time I graduated. That year, we saw each other once in the fall. Halfway through spring semester I hadn’t seen her at all, then I got the phone call. I don’t recall what she said exactly, but it was short and sweet – the typical “I need some time for myself” jargon.

In my manliest voice, I called my best friend and told him the news. Three years together and she ended it just like that. I was hurt, but the man-rules dictate that you never display emotion. He told me that it may bad for a while, but to give it time and keep busy. He then told me I’d feel much better in three days, he called it the “three-day hump.” I believe this “hump” may better apply to over-eating at Thanksgiving than a break-up.

After we had just broken up we were still linked through a social networking site. Some sleuthing found her getting awfully close to another guy – and here I thought she needed her “alone time”…

I deleted her. In a final act of barbarism, I blocked her as well.

I realize there are many ways to heal a broken heart. Some people write angry letters and never send them. Some find another girl immediately after, called a “rebound.” That night, I nursed my heartache with a few pitchers at a local dive bar.

That night, my friend gave me more advice, which all seemed a lot easier said than done. It was difficult listening to him – he has a new girl every week. The bar doubled as a karaoke lounge and liquor tends to give me, what I call, “Sinatra powers.” Being a true friend, he successfully kept me from singing “My Way,” or any other male empowerment song. I owe him for that.

I do think that girls have it easier. A girl doesn’t have to deal with heartbreak for too long, there will always be a guy or two to keep her busy. I didn’t date for a long time. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since, nothing that has lasted more than a couple months, anyway.

A few months later, she began calling me. She tried to be friends, then hinted at getting back together. When I declined, she proceeded to curse me out via e-mail, text message, and voice mail. I flexed my man muscle yet again and had her e-mail and phone number blocked. It seems to me that she is no expert in coping with a break up either. But even through all of this, I have no ill-will towards her. I just think she needs some time for herself.

Charles D., 24, Engineer

I should have known the end was coming. Now that I look back, the signs were there: my beloved Amy was about to leave me. It might have been quicker and cleaner if I had acknowledges those damn signs. Hell, maybe I could have even saved the relationship. I was too scared, I think. The first sign was when she invited her sister’s brother-in-law to join us when we went to see “The Break-Up” with Jennifer Aniston. Amy said he was on leave from the Marine Corps, visiting his brother and her sister and was eager to get away from their three little boys for an evening. I could see they were having a great time…Amy and the brother-in-law, I mean. I tried to ignore the way they talked and laughed at each other’s jokes.

Next, Amy started canceling dates or making up reasons she couldn’t see me. I even caught her in an outright lie one time when I ran into her at a restaurant with some of her friends after she had told me she was going to be out of town. I never said anything about it, though. Later, I found myself coping with my broken heart by listing in my mind all the things I should have said: “It’s over, Amy. I can’t be with someone who would lie to me.” I wonder if my wounded heart would have healed much faster if it had gone down that way.

The breakup happened on New Year’s Eve. I hate New Year’s Eve. I tried to remember what I had gotten her for Christmas that year. Maybe it was lame and that’s why she broke up with me. It took me about a month to remember. I had gotten her an aerobics tape. Well, that was not all I gave her. But I do think that tape might have been the straw that…you know. She said she wanted the tape. She even wrote it down. We had been watching a movie at my place and the tape was advertised on TV. She wrote it down and said it looked like a good one. When she left the note on my end table I figured it was a hint that I should buy it for her. So I bought it. I gave it to her in a little Christmas stocking with a picture of glittery red shoes from the Wizard of Oz on the front. I put the tape in the stocking along with a heart-shaped necklace with matching earrings I bought at J.C. Penney’s for $99.

I guess my friends got tired of watching me break down after the breakup. My sister gave me the name of a therapist and said I should call her. I did call, but not before I tried to heal my broken heart through a series of dates with girls I met through an on-line dating sight. I thought it helped when some pretty girl told me I was handsome and she could just not understand why Amy had broken up with me. It did make me feel better. There were even a couple girls I thought would turn out to be the one. But none lasted more than 3 or 4 dates.

I saw the therapist just three times and she was brutal. As soon as I sat down on her couch I started crying and she handed me a box of tissues. That was nice. I told her about Amy at our first visit and about the internet dates on the second visit. At our third session, which lasted just 54 minutes, I started out crying, like always. Then, that therapist turned on me.

“Look at you”, she said. “You are a mess. I am not surprised these dates don’t last. Anyone who would be attracted to you the way you are would certainly not be someone you would want to be with a year from now.”

She told me to stop trying to get some woman to fix me and start working to fix myself.

She was probably right. It took five and a half months for my broken heart to heal after that. I spent those months reconnecting with some friends who had shied away from me. I think all the crying and going over the tragedy of my breakup was too much for them. So I swore off talking about Amy or even allowing myself to think about her. I went to movies with Sam, fishing with Aaron, and even took my little nephews to Chuck E Cheese a couple times. When I was ready, I got on line again:

Ronnie Hopgood, looking for a serious relationship. Age: 33 Occupation: Lab Technician Interests: Old movies and new relationships.

Ronnie – 33, Technician

Last December it was time to call it quits with Linda-the-little-princess. After two years of good times and bad, it was time to have The Talk and call it quits.

No matter how desperate things seemed now, I was still unprepared to make the final goodbye and end the relationship. The two weeks of anticipation leading up to the separation seemed worse than its actual happening. So, we went to a sidewalk cafe and vented everything.

All went well when I told her she was a wonderful person and a catch for somebody else, but too emotional and high maintenance for me. Surprisingly, the break up talk went smoothly and we were in mutual agreement and talked things over rationally. No harm done until the last minute when she fired back with an arsenal of insults. Fair enough, at least its over and I’m free.

Three days have passed with no phone calls or emails, seeming the little princess and her tantrums are behind me.

Then Saturday night at three o’clock in the morning there’s a scurrying noise coming from the front yard. I turn on the porch lights and see nothing but a few bags of fast food trash thrown in the flower bed. The real surprise would not be known until sunrise when the cops show up and ring the doorbell.

My ex pint-sized little psycho ex girlfriend had employed the services of others to steal a 6 foot Christmas tree and anchor it to the top of my Jeep parked in the driveway.

All the price tags and proof of no purchase were as plain as day dangling from the bottom of the tree. At 7am, “someone” informed the police that there was a stolen Christmas tree on my street and the rest is history.

Court appearance, fines, and a mountain of accusations until she was finally arrested for theft. Whatever emotional bond I had for her was snapped for good, setting me free from the guilt of hurting her feelings.

So guys, if you’re trying to get over a breakup, let the situation play out and you will see a side to your ex that you won’t soon forget. Once you see her for what she really is, there’s no more hurt or repentance.

Mel, 22

When I was in my late teens my mom was known as the “tribal mom.” All the kids who had nowhere else to stay were welcome to crash at our place, so it wasn’t a big deal when my friend Lauren moved in.

Lauren was a very attractive girl who I’d always had a thing for, and I decided it was my golden opportunity to ask her out. We only dated for about seven months, but she was my first love.

One night we went out partying; we had just been joking around when her tone suddenly went somber, “CJ, this isn’t working.”

I assumed she was talking about the lighter I just handed her, and nearly toppled over trying to face her. That was when I saw the look on her face.

The “break-up” stare – I think little girls are taught it in school, because they all seem to use it. “We’re just not right together.”

She’d never expressed any doubts in our relationship before, so I was dumbstruck by the news and I really didn’t understand why she would dump me. “You just aren’t mature enough for me,” she said while taking a puff from a joint, which I found to be a tad ironic.

I wasn’t in the condition to argue, so I just went into my room and popped some heavy metal into my cassette player to pass out to.

The next morning I felt like hell, and when I opened my bedroom door I was surprised to see none other than Lauren sleeping on the couch.

Apparently the door opening woke her up, because she looked up at me and laughed, “You look like shit.” I demanded to know why she was still there, only for her to insist that she still needed a place to say.

My mother, catching my glance of dismay, told me, “We can’t just kick her out.” Lauren lived there for another year; I lived there two more months before I moved out of state.

As if that isn’t bad enough, over the past ten years my mom and Lauren have become really good friends.

I took a girlfriend home to meet my mom, and the better half of our ten-day stay was spent with Lauren and her kids hanging around. It was a little awkward, to say the least.

CJ, 28 – Sales manager

There I was, a junior at the University of Maryland, sitting in my Coastal Environments class on a Monday morning, half-listening to the renowned Dr. Leatherman (who was later dubbed “Dr. Beach” by Oprah… yeah, THAT Oprah), but mostly focusing on composing a letter to my girlfriend, Maggie.

Maggie meant the world to me. She was the love of my life. She was my college girlfriend.

Okay, technically, she was my ex-girlfriend because she broke it off two nights before. But as I scribbled my heartfelt plea I heard Dr. Beach lecture about ocean tides and erosion. He mentioned how the ocean’s natural ebb and flow ate away at the beaches of Ocean City, MD, and laughed unapologetically at the Worcester County councilman who had recently championed $60 million for beach replenishment even though one big ass hurricane would (and did) wipe out the $60 million dollar effort. His was an ironic chuckle, and I too laughed because Dr. Beach was correct.

I stopped my writing as it hit me. Finally, it became crystal clear. My relationship with Maggie was just like beach erosion; the ebb and flow of ocean tides ate away at the coast much like the highs and lows of my rocky relationship made me want to rip my eyes out with my fingernails. And the solution was as clear as the simile: Money was the answer.

I knew what I had, and I knew what I didn’t have. I had Maggie. Not the hottest girl in the dorm, she was short and skinny and couldn’t dance, which of course proved she was bad in bed regardless of how much she put out.

I should’ve known the relationship was doomed, and it was probably a blessing that she broke up with me, but the fact remained she DID put out. And what’s more important to a 19-year-old boy than getting laid on a regular basis? She gave me sex. Period. That’s what I had.

$60 million dollars is what I didn’t have. Fortunately, Dr. Beach’s lecture sparked something, an idea. I set my Bic to paper, furiously scribbling words. I told Maggie she was my “light,” I promised her my “undying faith” for “here to eternity” and “infinity and beyond” (seriously, this was the same semester “Toy Story” hit theaters). I used words like “hath” and “cometh” and “ye.”

And then, in conclusion, I explained that even though I didn’t have any money, I would pledge my soul to her. I literally told her she would own me.

I mailed the letter that day. I figured she’d get it by Wednesday. By Friday I called her. She claimed she never got the letter, but I’m convinced she did in fact receive the letter but was just too embarrassed for me to confirm she or anyone else in the universe had ever read it.

However, she was glad I called because she was still willing to have sex with me just as long as she’d be free to date other guys and I wouldn’t obsess as much. Even though she broke my heart, was horrible in bed, I agreed to her terms.

Dan, 29
Operations Administrator

So say your girlfriend breaks up with you or she tells you she wants to take a break or see other people…

But she says she just wants to be friends now, even though the two of you are ”officially” broken up.

The two of you talk and decide that you should still keep the connection the two of you have because you don’t want to just “throw away the friendship” the two of you have built up.

It may very well be the case that you two really do have a great friendship. Its possible you were friends for a long time before you tried dating.

Its very possible that you developed a close friendship while you spent so much time together. There are many perfectly good reasons why you should stay friends with your ex girlfriend.

But, if you are still in love with your ex girlfriend, taking a break from any kind of friendship is always a good idea.

But your ex girlfriend may resist this idea, even if she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Here are some of the ”less than straightforward” reasons girl keep guys around:

Girls may want to keep the parts of the relationship that still work for them.

Even after they are no longer attracted to you. Even though they may be actively scanning for other guys, or even have another one in mind.

She might have reasons why she wants to move on, or the reasons she gave you may not make any sense to you… But chances are, unless you’re a total douche, there are probably things about you she isn’t willing to give up.

She may really like the connection you guys have, you may have many of the same mutual friends or you might be the only close friend she has.

If you’ve ever had sex with a girl that clearly wanted more, while you didn’t… But you kept doing it anyway because the sex was great…But you knew somehow you were not being totally honest about the whole thing… Then you know what I am talking about.

But in her case, she wants all the perks and comforts that come from having an intimate connection, while still keeping the possibility of seeing other guys.

Which actually brings be to another point, which is sort of a darker side of this same thing.

Girls often like to keep guys that are in love with them around for validation.

Generally this with less mature girls, but it is very common.

Having a guy around, or several guys around that adore them (also referred to as orbiters) gives them that steady stream of validation that most women crave.

In fact, you easedrop on a group of girls this is what you’ll hear them bragging about… Kind of in the same way that guys will usually brag about getting laid.

Several dating and break up advice books for women (don’t say it…I read these things so you don’t have to) suggest they get a few guys like this around after a bad break up so they feel better about themselves. But they also suggest not to have sex with them.

Interesting huh? I mean really, if I told you right now you should go find a hot girl, just be friends with her so she can adore and NOT have sex with her, you would look at like I was f%$#! crazy.

Hey… I didn’t say this stuff made sense.

Of course, they will never admit it. Generally girls will just pretend they are oblivious to it most of the time because they know somewhere inside of them that its cruel.

The important thing is that you don’t become that guy.

She probably doesn’t want to entirely deal with being alone yet.

Girls generally are pretty terrified of being alone.

Now, in reality I think as humans we are all terrified at some level from being isolated, but women generally are more sensitive to this.

When your ex girlfriend decided to leave you, or take a break or whatever she called it, in her mind she was weighing her dissatisfaction for you against the potentially ominous task of filling up her nights and weekends with other people.

Although she may want to do this, it can be a lot of work. And more importantly it is a lot of change.

And generally, everybody hates change.

Keeping you around, keeping you “on call” so to speak really can ease the brunt of that change.

Only problem is, YOU aren’t any closer to moving on when she starts introducing other guys into her new life.

So what’s really going on here?

When a girl you’re seeing, dating, or in a commited relationship says “let’s be friends” she is already in the process of replacing you.

She may or may not have someone in mind yet.

She may still really like you.

The two of you may even get back together a few times.

But in her mind she will still being thinking about getting out of the relationship and leaving herself available to other guys.

So how do you handle this?

• You walk away first. Don’t settle for “just being friends” with a girl you are still in love with. You will respect yourself for it, and ironically so will she.
• Tell her that you would be happy to be friends, after you take a break for a couple of months and make it clear that this is your decision.
• Don’t leave yourself available to her when she wants you around, and tell her ahead of time not to contact you until YOU are ready to hang out as friends.
• Avoid the temptation to leave doors open so the two of you can still communicate.
• While you are taking the break, do everything in your power to get over her and move on.

Of course, this is easier said than done, because there is that whole thing about the unbearable heartbreak that sets in when she isn’t in your life anymore…

But it is far better than the Chinese water torture of hanging out with your ex girlfriend while she moves on, only to eventually be shut out once she finds another guy.

Here’s what will happen if you walk away first;

• People are generally only indecisive when they have many options. Once you have elimated the option of her just having you around for comfort SHE will be forced to decide whether she really wants to be in a relationship.
• If she doesn’t come back to you, then you’ll know she was very likely already looking for other options and things were very likely to go south anyways. BUT since you did not wait around for her to decide she will have lot more repect for you in the future and it will make it far more likely you’ll be able to be friends.
• Dare I say this, but 3 or 6 months down the line YOU will have more repect for yourself for not being that “orbiter” guy. Trust me on this one, guys almost always feel bad about not quitting while they were ahead.

Of course the big task now is that you have to deal with getting over her in the meantime and somehow resist the temptation to contact her or answer her when she contacts you…