My ex-girlfriend and I had met in college. Call me a late bloomer, but she was my first love. We did everything together and would visit each other when school was out. She was a senior by the time I graduated. That year, we saw each other once in the fall. Halfway through spring semester I hadn’t seen her at all, then I got the phone call. I don’t recall what she said exactly, but it was short and sweet – the typical “I need some time for myself” jargon.

In my manliest voice, I called my best friend and told him the news. Three years together and she ended it just like that. I was hurt, but the man-rules dictate that you never display emotion. He told me that it may bad for a while, but to give it time and keep busy. He then told me I’d feel much better in three days, he called it the “three-day hump.” I believe this “hump” may better apply to over-eating at Thanksgiving than a break-up.

After we had just broken up we were still linked through a social networking site. Some sleuthing found her getting awfully close to another guy – and here I thought she needed her “alone time”…

I deleted her. In a final act of barbarism, I blocked her as well.

I realize there are many ways to heal a broken heart. Some people write angry letters and never send them. Some find another girl immediately after, called a “rebound.” That night, I nursed my heartache with a few pitchers at a local dive bar.

That night, my friend gave me more advice, which all seemed a lot easier said than done. It was difficult listening to him – he has a new girl every week. The bar doubled as a karaoke lounge and liquor tends to give me, what I call, “Sinatra powers.” Being a true friend, he successfully kept me from singing “My Way,” or any other male empowerment song. I owe him for that.

I do think that girls have it easier. A girl doesn’t have to deal with heartbreak for too long, there will always be a guy or two to keep her busy. I didn’t date for a long time. I haven’t had a serious girlfriend since, nothing that has lasted more than a couple months, anyway.

A few months later, she began calling me. She tried to be friends, then hinted at getting back together. When I declined, she proceeded to curse me out via e-mail, text message, and voice mail. I flexed my man muscle yet again and had her e-mail and phone number blocked. It seems to me that she is no expert in coping with a break up either. But even through all of this, I have no ill-will towards her. I just think she needs some time for herself.

Charles D., 24, Engineer

It was a cliché line I never wanted to hear from my girlfriend.

I dreaded those words. But after almost eight months together, they came.

She called me on the phone on a Sunday evening. I remember it was a Sunday evening because I had just finished watching The Simpsons. After a brief hello – which sounded awkward – those words that let me know our relationship was almost over left her mouth.

She said: “We have to talk.”

I drove to the parking lot where she worked, got out of my car and entered hers. She didn’t waste any time breaking up with me and telling me that we just didn’t have and ‘chemistry’ anymore. I had kind of sensed it coming, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. She had always said that as long as I didn’t cheat on her, we’d be together. Well, she lied. I didn’t cheat on her.

It was a ‘chemistry’ issue. As she sat there talking about all the things that were wrong with our relationship and why it wasn’t working, I just nodded. I was too in shock to really listen. I was devastated. A big part of me wanted to explain myself, to fight to get her back. But pride won out and I kept my mouth shut. This led to a night that just kept getting worse.

On the way home, I contemplated what happened. It seemed like there was still a small time window for me to go back and win her over. It’s even possible it was all a test to see how much I cared about her. But something led me back home. And when I shut the door behind me, I knew it was over for good.

What I didn’t know was how tough it was to get over a broken heart. I never thought I would have to deal with breaking up with her, yet there I stood, my knees weakening faster than my heart. I attempted to walk up the steps, but collapsed. While remaining conscious, I couldn’t find the energy to walk. I shed many tears as I crawled up each step. It took over a half an hour to get to the second floor.

Once in my room, I asked myself how I could possible survive this break up. She was everything to me. She changed my life for the better, gave me hope, and let me know that it was possible to be loved. Despite the pain, I knew I had to get over my ex girlfriend. It seemed the most difficult chore of my life at the time, but I did my best to go out and socialize with other co-eds to keep my mind off her. It was the only potential way to get over my ex-girlfriend.

The amazing thing about it all is that a few months later we met up as friends. A friend of hers happened to be with her.

To make a long story short, that friend of hers is now my wife, and an amazing woman. I’m glad I never gave up hope.

Nick Tyler
35
Investor

So say your girlfriend breaks up with you or she tells you she wants to take a break or see other people…

But she says she just wants to be friends now, even though the two of you are ”officially” broken up.

The two of you talk and decide that you should still keep the connection the two of you have because you don’t want to just “throw away the friendship” the two of you have built up.

It may very well be the case that you two really do have a great friendship. Its possible you were friends for a long time before you tried dating.

Its very possible that you developed a close friendship while you spent so much time together. There are many perfectly good reasons why you should stay friends with your ex girlfriend.

But, if you are still in love with your ex girlfriend, taking a break from any kind of friendship is always a good idea.

But your ex girlfriend may resist this idea, even if she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Here are some of the ”less than straightforward” reasons girl keep guys around:

Girls may want to keep the parts of the relationship that still work for them.

Even after they are no longer attracted to you. Even though they may be actively scanning for other guys, or even have another one in mind.

She might have reasons why she wants to move on, or the reasons she gave you may not make any sense to you… But chances are, unless you’re a total douche, there are probably things about you she isn’t willing to give up.

She may really like the connection you guys have, you may have many of the same mutual friends or you might be the only close friend she has.

If you’ve ever had sex with a girl that clearly wanted more, while you didn’t… But you kept doing it anyway because the sex was great…But you knew somehow you were not being totally honest about the whole thing… Then you know what I am talking about.

But in her case, she wants all the perks and comforts that come from having an intimate connection, while still keeping the possibility of seeing other guys.

Which actually brings be to another point, which is sort of a darker side of this same thing.

Girls often like to keep guys that are in love with them around for validation.

Generally this with less mature girls, but it is very common.

Having a guy around, or several guys around that adore them (also referred to as orbiters) gives them that steady stream of validation that most women crave.

In fact, you easedrop on a group of girls this is what you’ll hear them bragging about… Kind of in the same way that guys will usually brag about getting laid.

Several dating and break up advice books for women (don’t say it…I read these things so you don’t have to) suggest they get a few guys like this around after a bad break up so they feel better about themselves. But they also suggest not to have sex with them.

Interesting huh? I mean really, if I told you right now you should go find a hot girl, just be friends with her so she can adore and NOT have sex with her, you would look at like I was f%$#! crazy.

Hey… I didn’t say this stuff made sense.

Of course, they will never admit it. Generally girls will just pretend they are oblivious to it most of the time because they know somewhere inside of them that its cruel.

The important thing is that you don’t become that guy.

She probably doesn’t want to entirely deal with being alone yet.

Girls generally are pretty terrified of being alone.

Now, in reality I think as humans we are all terrified at some level from being isolated, but women generally are more sensitive to this.

When your ex girlfriend decided to leave you, or take a break or whatever she called it, in her mind she was weighing her dissatisfaction for you against the potentially ominous task of filling up her nights and weekends with other people.

Although she may want to do this, it can be a lot of work. And more importantly it is a lot of change.

And generally, everybody hates change.

Keeping you around, keeping you “on call” so to speak really can ease the brunt of that change.

Only problem is, YOU aren’t any closer to moving on when she starts introducing other guys into her new life.

So what’s really going on here?

When a girl you’re seeing, dating, or in a commited relationship says “let’s be friends” she is already in the process of replacing you.

She may or may not have someone in mind yet.

She may still really like you.

The two of you may even get back together a few times.

But in her mind she will still being thinking about getting out of the relationship and leaving herself available to other guys.

So how do you handle this?

• You walk away first. Don’t settle for “just being friends” with a girl you are still in love with. You will respect yourself for it, and ironically so will she.
• Tell her that you would be happy to be friends, after you take a break for a couple of months and make it clear that this is your decision.
• Don’t leave yourself available to her when she wants you around, and tell her ahead of time not to contact you until YOU are ready to hang out as friends.
• Avoid the temptation to leave doors open so the two of you can still communicate.
• While you are taking the break, do everything in your power to get over her and move on.

Of course, this is easier said than done, because there is that whole thing about the unbearable heartbreak that sets in when she isn’t in your life anymore…

But it is far better than the Chinese water torture of hanging out with your ex girlfriend while she moves on, only to eventually be shut out once she finds another guy.

Here’s what will happen if you walk away first;

• People are generally only indecisive when they have many options. Once you have elimated the option of her just having you around for comfort SHE will be forced to decide whether she really wants to be in a relationship.
• If she doesn’t come back to you, then you’ll know she was very likely already looking for other options and things were very likely to go south anyways. BUT since you did not wait around for her to decide she will have lot more repect for you in the future and it will make it far more likely you’ll be able to be friends.
• Dare I say this, but 3 or 6 months down the line YOU will have more repect for yourself for not being that “orbiter” guy. Trust me on this one, guys almost always feel bad about not quitting while they were ahead.

Of course the big task now is that you have to deal with getting over her in the meantime and somehow resist the temptation to contact her or answer her when she contacts you…