It has come to my attention that mending a broken heart is much easier when the person with the broken heart is a female. Females have multitudes of heartbreak routines and a steadfast support system of friends. When a girl gets her heart broken, the immediate remedy is ice cream and The Notebook. After her eyes can no longer produce tears, the circle of girlfriends comes over to bad mouth the heartbreaker. The circle of girlfriends and the heartbroken girl hit the clubs, the mall, or anywhere else where males run rampant. A rebound relationship complete with pictures to plaster all over social networking sites proves that her heart is whole again.

Yes, so much easier being a woman with a broken heart. However, for all the males out there, it is a much more complicated process. My girlfriend and I had been going out for eighteen months. I thought everything was going just dandy. Then, the complaints started.

“Why can’t you express your feelings?”

“Why can’t you ever be romantic?”

“Why is it always physical with you?”

On and on and on it went. I tried appeasing her grumbles. I tried to limit the amount of time spent on adult activities. I tried throwing out sentences filled with love whenever I could. I tried to please her, but the complaints piled up and soon she was fed up. After eighteen months with the girl I thought I was going to marry, it was over. She was my first love. I was eighteen, and she was seventeen. It was over.

She asked me not to contact her anymore, to make the healing process easier. I tried to focus on my own healing process, yet I did not know how to go about it. This was my first time trying to get over a broken heart. Going to my male friends was not an option. It is said men are not sensitive. This might be a stereotype, yet I found it all too true in regards to my friends. I went into a period of depression. I relived all of our memories repeatedly. What had gone wrong? What could have been different? The few girlfriends I had were amazing and pulled me through. One girl in particular was extremely effective. We went to the same college, and she spent time counseling me every day. She sure was effective. So effective, in fact, that she became my new girlfriend! Five years later, we are still together, engaged and with no complaints!

Tom Whindfield, 23, Algebra II teacher

Perhaps the worst breakup I ever had the misfortune to go through was in the summer between my junior and senior years at college. My girlfriend was a year older than I was and had already graduated and lived five states away, which put some stress on the relationship. But we were still together, really more out of sheer obstinance and the safety that comes from a boring daily ritual — the telephone call. It would typically resemble something like this:

Me: So how was your day?

Her: Fine. How was yours?

Me: OK.

Her: Well, I have to get ready for dinner. Bye.

Well, I was studying to be an archaeologist at the time, and this summer was going to get my feet wet on my first expedition. So I signed onto a dig on one of the Greek islands. The town I was staying in didn’t have internet. Heck, it barely had a payphone. When you think of one-horse towns from spaghetti Westerns, upgrade the scenery to the mid 1980s and you’d have a good picture of the place. Needless to say, with the technological gap and the time difference, the daily phone calls went away.

To be honest, there was also this girl I met… Well, there might have been three girls. One of them even needed help on how to get over her ex girlfriend. Sometimes it’s nice to work in a profession where women get daily exercise digging in the dirt, thereby ensuring a relatively low fatty-to-hot girl ratio. In America, we’ve become so used to the obesity epidemic that we forget how large of a percentage of the female population is attractve when you only have to subtract out the fuglies. And even the fuglies have their moments when they’re pouring you that 22nd shot of raki, which is Greek moonshine that’s usually made in a sink or a toilet bowl, judging by the taste. But I digress.

Breaking up was definitely in my future. After a couple months and three girls, I go back home to talk to my girlfriend. I was still young and naive, so I figured I’d tell her the whole sordid story and break up with her. That’s what happens when you have a conscience that’s weak enough to let you do what you want, but strong enough to make you feel guilty about it later.

Unfortunately, she broke up with me first. She’d cheated on me while I was gone — several times. Even though I had done the same thing, I was devastated.

I suddenly didn’t know how I’d get over a broken heart. I spent the next year trying to simultaneously get her back and get over a broken heart. I’ll spare you the nasty details, but I was unsuccessful on the first count, but did discover one of life’s great truths. I was able to get over my ex girlfriend by getting under someone else. That’s the best way to survive a break up. And as a word of parting advice, based upon my experience, Swedish girls are better in the sack, but Norwegians are better cuddlers.

Pyrrhus, 25, archaeologist

Sometimes it seems like there’s just no way to do it. After all, I can’t just turn off my feelings. I’m not a machine, a computer that can be rebooted and everything will be all right. Nope, I’m human, and when she kicked me out, I thought I would never get over the broken heart.

Things seemed so great with us, like a match made in heaven. We had all the same interest, the same sense of humor, politics, and views on parenting. We did everything together. We spent every moment together, even moved in together. The day I came home and found the locks changed, I was absolutely stunned.

My first thought was that there was something wrong with the key. I mean, really, who expects to come home from a long day at work to find the locks suddenly changed? There I was, tired and worn out so I knocked on the door for her to let me in. That’s when I heard her voice from the upstairs window telling me I couldn’t come in, I had to leave. How does this happen? How do you go from being so in love and spending all your time together to standing on the front porch trying to figure out how you’re going to get your pool table out of the basement?

Changing the lock was her not so subtle way of breaking up with me. Well, obviously, I got mad and started pounding on that door. After all, I paid the rent, if anyone was moving, I figured she should.

But, the cops didn’t see it that way. I did eventually get my stuff back. But it took a long time and the help of mutual friends.

For almost a year, I was incredibly conflicted about her. I loved her so much, and yet I also hated her with an intensity that was surprising. There was no middle ground. There was no thinking of her fondly. When I thought of her, I did one of two things. I yearned for her, and desperately thought of things I could do to get her to take me back. Or, on the opposite end, I would consider making a little blond haired voo-doo doll that I could stick needles into. Any chance I got I would complain about her and put her down, all to try and ease my heartache. After all, hating someone is much easier than loving someone you can’t have.

Over time, it got easier. I felt that my broken heart was slowly mending. Gradually, I felt less hatred towards her. I could think about her without the intense, powerful feelings. Getting over that broken heart definitely took time and patience. But I’m proud to say that I did, eventually, get there.

Heartbreak, as a rule, is best left to other people; indeed, that is who we imagine heartbreak to be for.

Until it happens to us.

True to the beer slogan, you never forget your first girl. I don’t know what counts as your first girl in that slogan, but for me, it meant the first one you take seriously. You know, the first one you think of as part of yourself, the one you may occasionally commit the cardinal sin for, and choose over friends… and even beer. She’s not the first one you explore sexuality with or have a laugh with. She’s not the first girl you dated or the girl you brought home to mom and then apologized for.

She’s the first one you apologized to on behalf of your own mom.

For me that girl was Maryanne.

We met in college, and I suddenly and instantly lost interest in the carnal smorgasbord that was campus life. The Tri Delts are drunk, and playing a game involving blindfolded body part identification? Ho hum. There’s an ecstasy-fueled cheerleader dogpile in your dorm room? Sorry dude, gotta study. You get the picture.

Maryanne and I weren’t joined at the hip. We didn’t have to be. Neither of us had been subjected to heartache, so our trust (being untested) was absolute. We had no idea we would break each others’ hearts, never mind what it was like.

I’ll spare you the details of what made her storm out one night, and the details of why I didn’t go after her — though part of me (a lot of me) wanted to. Suffice it to say we had said things that could not be unsaid. It was over, whether the break was clean or protracted.

I was ready for a hard night without her. I was even ready to reach for her in the morning, and realize she was gone. What I was unprepared for was how long she would not be there, to wit, forever.

My heart wasn’t broken. There was a Maryanne-shaped hole in it. There was no mending the break, no curing the heartache with tequila like you cure a headache with aspirin.

There was only living until the hole grew over with new experiences and new loves.

Mark,  47 - Writer/editor

I was in college, in my twenties, and in love. With Noel. She was amazing: smart, funny, confident, and someone else’s. Yep, she had a boyfriend. Still, we became friends, good friends. The kind of college friends who cuddle on the dorm bed as we watched television; obviously, it was becoming “something.”

We were getting closer, she was seeing me more, and her boyfriend, well almost never. Then, one day she said that they’d broken up, and soon we were a couple, and her (ex) boyfriend was now out of sight and our of mind.

Things were great for two years. It was October – I was set to graduate in May. She wasn’t graduating, yet. We had both gone away to college far from home, and upon graduation I intended to return from whence I came, and we had planned, those two long years, for her to follow me. But I quickly learned how fast things change, and how fast heartbreak can come.

One day she came by and told me that she wanted to share an apartment with a male friend of hers. She assured me they were “just friends.” I said, “no way,” that no girl friend of mine was going to live with some dude. That went over well. She left, angry. The next day she came over and said she was moving in with him anyway. She then suggested that we needed to take, wait for it… a break. Yep. She said it. I’ll spare you the details and we’ll just say – the onset and pain that comes when that broken hearted feeling blindsides you.

A couple weeks later I ran into a friend of hers; it happened to be a very attractive friend, one Noel had often expressed jealousy of. I asked her out – what better way to get over a broken heart than to put a new person between you and the old one?

Later that week, Noel stopped by my dorm to pick up some clothes she had left at my place. Knowing she was coming, I strategically hung a picture of me and my new flame where she couldn’t miss it. I saw her eyes flick to it, and watched her visibly flinch. Was that the shadow of jealousy, maybe even regret, that I saw pass her face? I like to think so. And while it still took me some time to get over the broken heart, replaying her flinch in my mind helped the heartache – a lot. Of course, time did the rest.

Sky, 38, teacher

There I was, a junior at the University of Maryland, sitting in my Coastal Environments class on a Monday morning, half-listening to the renowned Dr. Leatherman (who was later dubbed “Dr. Beach” by Oprah… yeah, THAT Oprah), but mostly focusing on composing a letter to my girlfriend, Maggie.

Maggie meant the world to me. She was the love of my life. She was my college girlfriend.

Okay, technically, she was my ex-girlfriend because she broke it off two nights before. But as I scribbled my heartfelt plea I heard Dr. Beach lecture about ocean tides and erosion. He mentioned how the ocean’s natural ebb and flow ate away at the beaches of Ocean City, MD, and laughed unapologetically at the Worcester County councilman who had recently championed $60 million for beach replenishment even though one big ass hurricane would (and did) wipe out the $60 million dollar effort. His was an ironic chuckle, and I too laughed because Dr. Beach was correct.

I stopped my writing as it hit me. Finally, it became crystal clear. My relationship with Maggie was just like beach erosion; the ebb and flow of ocean tides ate away at the coast much like the highs and lows of my rocky relationship made me want to rip my eyes out with my fingernails. And the solution was as clear as the simile: Money was the answer.

I knew what I had, and I knew what I didn’t have. I had Maggie. Not the hottest girl in the dorm, she was short and skinny and couldn’t dance, which of course proved she was bad in bed regardless of how much she put out.

I should’ve known the relationship was doomed, and it was probably a blessing that she broke up with me, but the fact remained she DID put out. And what’s more important to a 19-year-old boy than getting laid on a regular basis? She gave me sex. Period. That’s what I had.

$60 million dollars is what I didn’t have. Fortunately, Dr. Beach’s lecture sparked something, an idea. I set my Bic to paper, furiously scribbling words. I told Maggie she was my “light,” I promised her my “undying faith” for “here to eternity” and “infinity and beyond” (seriously, this was the same semester “Toy Story” hit theaters). I used words like “hath” and “cometh” and “ye.”

And then, in conclusion, I explained that even though I didn’t have any money, I would pledge my soul to her. I literally told her she would own me.

I mailed the letter that day. I figured she’d get it by Wednesday. By Friday I called her. She claimed she never got the letter, but I’m convinced she did in fact receive the letter but was just too embarrassed for me to confirm she or anyone else in the universe had ever read it.

However, she was glad I called because she was still willing to have sex with me just as long as she’d be free to date other guys and I wouldn’t obsess as much. Even though she broke my heart, was horrible in bed, I agreed to her terms.

Dan, 29
Operations Administrator

So say your girlfriend breaks up with you or she tells you she wants to take a break or see other people…

But she says she just wants to be friends now, even though the two of you are ”officially” broken up.

The two of you talk and decide that you should still keep the connection the two of you have because you don’t want to just “throw away the friendship” the two of you have built up.

It may very well be the case that you two really do have a great friendship. Its possible you were friends for a long time before you tried dating.

Its very possible that you developed a close friendship while you spent so much time together. There are many perfectly good reasons why you should stay friends with your ex girlfriend.

But, if you are still in love with your ex girlfriend, taking a break from any kind of friendship is always a good idea.

But your ex girlfriend may resist this idea, even if she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.

Here are some of the ”less than straightforward” reasons girl keep guys around:

Girls may want to keep the parts of the relationship that still work for them.

Even after they are no longer attracted to you. Even though they may be actively scanning for other guys, or even have another one in mind.

She might have reasons why she wants to move on, or the reasons she gave you may not make any sense to you… But chances are, unless you’re a total douche, there are probably things about you she isn’t willing to give up.

She may really like the connection you guys have, you may have many of the same mutual friends or you might be the only close friend she has.

If you’ve ever had sex with a girl that clearly wanted more, while you didn’t… But you kept doing it anyway because the sex was great…But you knew somehow you were not being totally honest about the whole thing… Then you know what I am talking about.

But in her case, she wants all the perks and comforts that come from having an intimate connection, while still keeping the possibility of seeing other guys.

Which actually brings be to another point, which is sort of a darker side of this same thing.

Girls often like to keep guys that are in love with them around for validation.

Generally this with less mature girls, but it is very common.

Having a guy around, or several guys around that adore them (also referred to as orbiters) gives them that steady stream of validation that most women crave.

In fact, you easedrop on a group of girls this is what you’ll hear them bragging about… Kind of in the same way that guys will usually brag about getting laid.

Several dating and break up advice books for women (don’t say it…I read these things so you don’t have to) suggest they get a few guys like this around after a bad break up so they feel better about themselves. But they also suggest not to have sex with them.

Interesting huh? I mean really, if I told you right now you should go find a hot girl, just be friends with her so she can adore and NOT have sex with her, you would look at like I was f%$#! crazy.

Hey… I didn’t say this stuff made sense.

Of course, they will never admit it. Generally girls will just pretend they are oblivious to it most of the time because they know somewhere inside of them that its cruel.

The important thing is that you don’t become that guy.

She probably doesn’t want to entirely deal with being alone yet.

Girls generally are pretty terrified of being alone.

Now, in reality I think as humans we are all terrified at some level from being isolated, but women generally are more sensitive to this.

When your ex girlfriend decided to leave you, or take a break or whatever she called it, in her mind she was weighing her dissatisfaction for you against the potentially ominous task of filling up her nights and weekends with other people.

Although she may want to do this, it can be a lot of work. And more importantly it is a lot of change.

And generally, everybody hates change.

Keeping you around, keeping you “on call” so to speak really can ease the brunt of that change.

Only problem is, YOU aren’t any closer to moving on when she starts introducing other guys into her new life.

So what’s really going on here?

When a girl you’re seeing, dating, or in a commited relationship says “let’s be friends” she is already in the process of replacing you.

She may or may not have someone in mind yet.

She may still really like you.

The two of you may even get back together a few times.

But in her mind she will still being thinking about getting out of the relationship and leaving herself available to other guys.

So how do you handle this?

• You walk away first. Don’t settle for “just being friends” with a girl you are still in love with. You will respect yourself for it, and ironically so will she.
• Tell her that you would be happy to be friends, after you take a break for a couple of months and make it clear that this is your decision.
• Don’t leave yourself available to her when she wants you around, and tell her ahead of time not to contact you until YOU are ready to hang out as friends.
• Avoid the temptation to leave doors open so the two of you can still communicate.
• While you are taking the break, do everything in your power to get over her and move on.

Of course, this is easier said than done, because there is that whole thing about the unbearable heartbreak that sets in when she isn’t in your life anymore…

But it is far better than the Chinese water torture of hanging out with your ex girlfriend while she moves on, only to eventually be shut out once she finds another guy.

Here’s what will happen if you walk away first;

• People are generally only indecisive when they have many options. Once you have elimated the option of her just having you around for comfort SHE will be forced to decide whether she really wants to be in a relationship.
• If she doesn’t come back to you, then you’ll know she was very likely already looking for other options and things were very likely to go south anyways. BUT since you did not wait around for her to decide she will have lot more repect for you in the future and it will make it far more likely you’ll be able to be friends.
• Dare I say this, but 3 or 6 months down the line YOU will have more repect for yourself for not being that “orbiter” guy. Trust me on this one, guys almost always feel bad about not quitting while they were ahead.

Of course the big task now is that you have to deal with getting over her in the meantime and somehow resist the temptation to contact her or answer her when she contacts you…